Plastic Cog Descending: its k bro
by Ridley the Violator
Summary: The war still rages within as Bladewolf and Raiden must cut the souls of the collective consciousness of a dark skied world that remains strange to them, but the only thing they know for real is they're their own masters now and it has to be this way. Only a red sun of violence will wash away the stains of time so that our heroes can finally return to ashes. WARNING: CONTAINS YAOI
1. Sam maneuvered his throbbing coot into

"Are you sure you want the Butt-Licker 9000 along for the ride?" asked Kevin to Raiden over the codec.

The wolf shaped UG raised its head, which was encased in an oversized plastic cone. "Word play: my exoskeleton resembles a canine. Canines lick their own behinds. Amusing on one level."

Raiden tipped up his Sombrero and adjusted his acoustic guitar, keeping his eyes on the streets of Chiwawa, which were incredibly crowded with Mexicans and hot air and the sun. There could be fat sweaty men in t-shirts everywhere, just waiting to attack. "Why not let him hunt with us?" he said. "We neutered him and house trained him. I say we throw him a bone. You know, no need to play tug of war all day, let's see if he can run in the pack. He'll have our enemies howling for mercy. These child abductions are sic and they have to be stopped!"

Wolf raised its head again. "Word play: dog and wolf puns. Amusing on no levels."

Raiden looked back at Wolf, then looked out the windshield again with no expression on his face. Then he saw a fat man in a blue t-shirt walking down the sidewalk.

"That's our mark," he said, his eye glowing red.

"No, it isn't," said Kevin. "You're looking for a sewer."

"It's time for Jack…"

"No, Raiden!"

"To let 'er RIP!"

"RAIDEN!"

Raiden parked the car by a sewer grate and got out. Wolf tumbled out of the back seat when the car started up on its auto pilot and began to drive away. Raiden watched this happen and chuckled to himself. "Looks like you had some trouble standing up in the car."

Wolf stared at his new master with no expression, remembering the days when Mistral would chase him around the streets of war torn Crimea with a vacuum cleaner.

-=-REPEAT-=-

"Children are cruel, Jack," said Sundowner. "And I'm very cruel."

"Children are also stupid," pointed out Raiden.

-=-RETARD-=-

"WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH THE PRIME MINISTER."

"I WANT HIM…DEAD."

"MIND IF I COOT IN?"

-=RECANT=-

"Every cyborg is a person," said Wolf. "Therefore, every person is a cyborg."

-=RETHINK=-

"Every person has ideas," said Mistral, shifting her weight on her giant ass. "What are your ideas, Jack?" She cleared her throat as her robot arms tried to support the weight of her enormous breasts.

"Do you mean ideals?" said Raiden, gripping his sword.

"No," said Mistral. "Ideas. You know, like, I could start a petting zoo business, or I could be in movies."

"What?" Raiden looked away from her, then looked back as the camera zoomed into his face. "_What kind of movies?_"

Mistral looked at him appraisingly. "With that pretty face? Stag films, maybe." Her butt spilled out of the hands of gecko UG slaves and she had to settle for sitting on their crushed bodies like a throne. Meanwhile, her breasts were beginning to pull her forwards painfully.

"I have a better ideals." Raiden pointed his sword at her. "I protect the weak." He swished his sword back to his side in an action stance. "From people—_LIKE YOU._"

"No, I want to talk about ideas. What kind of ideas do you have?" Mistral sighed and sat down on top of the oil tank, using two sets of arms to support her bust. Her butt was simply too big to be saved. "I've always wanted to open a candy shop in Paris, what do you think?"

"What kind…_of candy?_" Raiden was now swishing his sword at imaginary foes and making slashing noises.

"I don't know—Algerian sweets, I guess." She shrugged, causing a wave from one end of her chest to the other. "Look, I don't want to talk plans, just ideas."

"I've always wanted to leave the battlefield behind. To leave a life of peace, as a peaceful man." Raiden mimed cutting a man's head off, then cutting that man's entire body into inch thick horizontal discs.

"Ideas are the only thing worth fighting for." Mistral was now lying on top of her tits while the weight of her rear end crushed her lower body into the ground. She looked like a beached orca whale with a bad pink dye job.

"Then let's fight!" Raiden pointed his sword at her, again.

"Mmph! MMH!" Mistral voice could no longer be heard, as she was now being suffocated by her own secondary sexual characteristics.

-=REGROW=-

Raiden was driving along the road on his bike. Sam got in the way and made him stop the bike.

"Mind if I coot in?" asked Sam.

-=RECUT =-

"Acha arriba! Me hatta mine so horchata to jibber jab wit you," said the small child in the sewer.

Raiden activated blade mode.

-=RELOCATION=-

Raiden cut into Sam's chest and killed him.

-=REPLAY=-

"Let's fight," said Mistral, preparing her arms for combat with Raiden. But before they could engage, Sam climbed up the ladder to the top of the tanker and stood between them. He drew his sword and turned to Raiden. "Mind if I cut in, Mistral? I've been waiting for a rematch since Africa!"

"No," said Mistral. "I want to do it."

Sam sheathed his sword reluctantly. "Okay, fine." He pointed at Raiden. "_Next time_."

"Bye," said Raiden.

Later, Monsoon and Sam had to stop Raiden from getting into the World Marshall HQ. Sam stepped forwards towards Raiden, drawing his blade. "Enough talk! I'll take this dance."

"No, Sam," said Monsoon, holding up his detached hand. "I'll take this dance, instead."

"Ok," said Sam. He pointed at Raiden. "Next time."

And then Sundowner confronted Raiden on the helipad. But, before Sundowner could attack Raiden, Sam jumped out of a circling helicopter and landed between them. He drew his sword and advanced on Raiden. "Stay back, Sundowner. He's mine."

"Not a chance, Sam," said Sundowner, shoving Sam aside. "It's MY turn now."

"Not again!" Sam complained. He gave Raiden one final glare over his shoulder before climbing back into the helicopter and flying away.

The next day, Raiden was driving along the road on Sam's stolen bike. Sam got in the way and made him stop the bike. He drew his sword and he and Raiden faced off on the side of the road.

"Let's dance," said Raiden.

Sam shook his head. "Let's talk about philosophy for a few minutes first."

Bladewolf lifted his leg on Sam's motorbike.

-=REEFER=-

Sunny extender her hand to Bladewolf. "Shake. Shaaake."

Bladewolf shook.

"Let me try!" Raiden pushed Sunny aside roughly. She squealed as she collided with the security guard's secret six foot tall stash of adult manga.

Bladewolf looked away from Raiden, refusing to shake. Raiden's eye began to glow red. Bladewolf lifted his leg on Raiden's leg.

-=REFRESH=-

While Bladewolf was sitting under the table and Sunny was looking out the window thinking about math, George ogled Sunny's pubescent butt. "Horchata! Yah hot fah days, son!"

Sunny spun around in shock. "W-what?"

Bladewolf activated chainsaw mode.

-=REFUND=-

Armstrong tried to use Metal Gear Fahrenheit to kill Raiden."I'm going to squash you like a bug, you little shit!" he exclaimed.

Raiden cut the Metal Gear up and forced Armstrong to face him in hand to hand combat. But Armstrong was powered by nano machines son, and he easily put Raiden on the ground and began stomping on his chest. "You bitch! I'll crush you like an insect, you white haired pansy little fuck!"

Raiden raised a finger. "I agree with your political opinions."

Armstrong picked him up and dusted him off. "I'm glad I finally got through to you, son." He extended his hand. "Put 'er there!"

***THE INTERNET***

-=REASSES=-

"Time to listen to my favorite song," said Raiden. He put on his walkman headphones.

_Politics and countries are bad, and I must find my own way_

_I can't rely on consen-sus, I have to be free to-day._

_A lot of people getting together have_

_Never produced anything good_

_Indi-vid-u-al-ity_

_Is the only thing you should_

_Follooow._

Bladewolf nodded in agreement. "Your song is highly efficient. It is time to listen to my own song. Bladewolf put on his walkman headphones.

_I am a dog and wolf_

_I like to go woof-woof_

_Take me on walks and go for a run_

_Throw me a bone when we are done._

_Time to lick my own behiiind_

Bladewolf removed his headphones.


	2. Sundowner x War

Sundowner paced in his trenchcoat. "It has often been said that I am friends with war, but actually I love it. I love fighting. I love killing. I love stabs. Wars across places, in places, and stuff. I love blowing shit up and fire and when people run and die and stuff. I love it when innocent people die by accident. I love it when some people fight and their house blows up. I love it when I win but then lose at war and then more war hapens.

Raiden gasped in shock while performing a deadly kata. "WHAT...ARE YOU SAYING?"

-=REBUFFALO=-

Monsoon twirled his sai. "Memes, Jack. What are yours?"

Raiden swished his sword around his head like a helicoptor. "Meals? MEALS ON WHEELS? What do you know about meals, you crazy bastard?"

"Not meals, Jack. Memes." Monsoon looked from Sam to Raiden to make sure he was not dreaming or that MY DREAMS DISAPPEAAAR

"How about full of shit-is that a meal?" Raiden smirked at Monsoon.

"I was thinking of memes," repeated Monsoon. "You know: religion, politics, good and evil, the missionary position."

"What do you mean, 'mems.'" Raiden spun his sword around his head like a helicoptor. "I don't know what a 'mem' is."

Bladewolf appeared from around a tank after taking a cyber poopy. "He refers to memes, Raiden. Such as the 'long cat,' the 'doge,' and 'the dramatic chipmunk.'"

Monsoon opened his smile. "Actually-"

Raiden interrupted him dramatically. "After the patriots...I thought I could walk back to a normal life. My friends, my family. They helped me forget the Jack the Ripper inside. But you-this, all of this, is a wake up call to what I really believe."

"What-" began Monsoon.

Sam interrupted them. "Hey, Pup, why don't we ever hang out anymore?"

Bladewolf shied away. "No reason."

"Hey! I'm a great guy." Sam examined himself in the reflecting blade of his samurai sword. "Oh yeah."

"Raiden feeds me electrolyte paste every morning," Bladewolf explained apologetically.

"DAMN IT!" Raiden's fist slammed into the ground, breaking it. "I was leaving those out for MEEE!"

-=RECORDER=-

"THE GREATEST NATION DEMANDS YOUR BLOOD!" roared Armstrong.

Raiden gasped and the camera zoomed in on him. "BUT I'M NOT EVEN FROM ICELAND!"

-=RECALL=-

"Anyways," said Monsoon, "let's dance, Raiden. We'll see whose memes are stronger." He pulled a big red button that said "hit me" on it out of his helmet, which activated his magnetic powers, which were purple. "Magnetic force, Jack!" exclaimed Monsoon as he moved a bunch of lead shavings over a glass table top. "NATURE'S FORCE."

"HUH?" Raiden tried to push two pieces of metal together but he just...couldn't...do it. "YOU BASTARD."

"That's not all." Monsoon smild evilly. "Using my powers...I can freeze the Earth's core!"

Sam held up his hands. "Boss, wait, no, don't-"

"Silence, Sam." Monsoon held up a palm for silence. "You are now about to witness the strength of meme knowledge."

"This is not possible," said Bladewolf.

Monsoon smirked evilly. "Just watch. YeeeaaarRGHH!" His whole body glowed purple and began to expand apart into a big sphere of purple light. But before Monsoon could somehow destroy the world, Raiden cut his head off. Then he cut the rest of his body off.

"Thank god," said Sam as Monsoon's parts exploded. "But you know what you should have said before killing him?"

"No, what?" asked Raiden.

Sam opened his mouth.

-=RECYCLE=-

"Wars, Jack," said Sundowner. "What are yours?"

"...what?"

-=RECHARGEABLE=-

Mistral stopped stabbing a tank of liquid nitrogen for fun and turned to Bladewolf, cocking one sassy hip. "Hey, doggy, why don't we ever hang out anymore?"

"Because I'm still dead right now," said the dismembered remains of Bladewolf from where Raiden had left them.

"That reminds me!" Raiden popped up next to Mistral and cut her body off, too.

"He broke Mistral's number one rule!" exclaimed Mistral as she began to die.

Raiden sheathed his katana. "What's your number one rule?"

Mistral smirked. "Don't. Fuck. With Mistral. Boy."

Raiden unsheathed his katana.

-=REBAR=-

Armstrong showed Raiden the messages on his cellphone. "And she's still sending me creepy texts, somehow!"

"Just a second." Raiden super-jumped away and all the way back to Russia, where he found Mistral's severed, frozen head writing in a diary with her tongue and mumbling to herself.

"Dear diary: today Armstrong called everyone a bitch. I know that he was secretly sending me a code message to tell me that he think's I'm not a bitch and that he loves me. I'm going to send him another message soon."

"That's just sad," said Raiden.

"I agree," said Bladewolf. "She needs a companion. Perhaps an animal house pet to keep her company, one that she could interact with regularly. I suggest a mechanical cat."

-=RETOLD=-

"Don't say what I think you're going to say," said Raiden.

Sam looked innocent. "What? I don't know what you're talking about!"

"What is he going to say?" asked Bladewolf.

Raiden sighed and waggled his fingers and head. "'Mind if I cut in.'"

"Well," Sam looked vindicated, "you said it, not me, Jack."

"Jack off," said Raiden.

Bladewolf looked between them. "Your level of discourse has devolved subtly."

-=RECRUEL=-

"Children are cruel, Jack Off," said Sundowner.

"It's just Jack."

"And," said Sundowner, "I'm very in touch with my Jack Off."

"Try again."

Sundowner grabbed a brain and winked at Raiden. "I like to grab my brains when nobody is looking."

"I'm looking," pointed out Raiden.

"You can look all you want." Sundowner squeezed the brain, watching its eyes jiggle. "War never changes."

"You're a dumbass," said Raiden.

"Aw." Sundowner put the brain back and attached a pair of scissors to his wrist. "You can be crueler than that, Jack."

At that moment, Bladewolf burst through the door. "RAIDEN! I heard he was touching his brain!"

"You!" Sundowner pointed at him. "YOU! How come we never hang out anymore, hoss?"

Bladewolf shied away. "No reason."

"I thought I was pretty cool guy." Sundowner looked penesively down at the reflective surface of his scissors.

Raiden put his hand on Bladewolf's head. "It's okay, Wolf. You can go back to the Winds if you want. Except they're all almost dead. And I would have to kill you. But you can, if you want."

Bladewolf bowed his head. "R-Raiden s-sensei..."

-=REDOWNS=-

"Time to fly, Raiden," giggled Sunny.

Raiden looked down at the ballistic missile he was chained to. "Are you sure...this is safe?"

"Of course, silly!" Sunny winked at him. She tugged on Bladewolf's tail. "Come on, let's go watch cartoons!"

"I have to go to Pakistan," said Bladewolf reluctantly.

"I'm making eeeggs!"

"I mean, I have to go to China," said Bladewolf. "Right now."

"Fine," said Sunny, sticking her tongue out. She turned to Raiden. "Stay there-I'm going to make you try my new egg recipe before you go!"

Raiden's psyche meter bottomed out instantly. "IT'S...NOT REALLY HAPPENING."

-=REDOUBLE-REDOWN=-

"America, Jack," demanded Senetaor Armstrong. "What are yours?"

Before Raiden could answer him, or rather attempt to answer him, Bladewolf interrupted him with a recording of Sam interrupting him.

"MIND IF I COOT IN?"

Raiden screamed.


End file.
